Meaty Ron
by Alcalculia
Summary: Crack Fic! Crossover of Harry Potter, Supernatural, Doctor Who, BBC Sherlock, Percy Jackson and several others. Hilarity ensues when the TARDIS crash lands in a discussion about Soulless!Sam and other characters from different fandoms begin to show up... Not intended to be a serious fic, read and review!
1. The meeting

So there t'was a boy names Sammy. He had a brother named Dean-o, who was bandylegged from various sexyfuntime adventures. They travelled the country in their father's car, and occasionally they died. They also had a friend names Cas, who wasn't a lass. He was an angel of the lord. Cas, who was not a lass, but in fact a lad, said one day, 'YO DEAN-O WE NEEDA GET YO BRUDDA'S SOUL OUTTA DA CAGE!', and Dean-o said back, 'YO MAN I KNOWS HOW'S WE GONNA DO THIS' and so Cas, who was not a lass, said 'idunnaman'.  
'YOU IDIOT DON'T YOU KNOW SOULLESS SAM WAS THE MOST SARCASTIC SAM?' Bobby interjected, and murmured 'IDJIIITTTS!' under his breath.  
Hagrid made an appearance. He pointed a large finger at Sam and said 'You're soulless, Sammy.' 'IMMA DA WHATSITS?!" Asked Sam, before a large whooshing sound interrupted his thoughts. A blue box appeared. He opened the blue box 'SOMETHING'S GONNA GO DOWN!' He shouted, and a man leaned out of the door. 'Soulless, Sam, basically your life force is locked away in the cage, and not even the TARDIS can get to it. It's, in fact, a compilation of all the mishapocalypse GIFS.' Hagrid looked at him.  
'Yer a time lord, Doctor.'  
The Doctor stared back.  
And then looked at Sam.  
'Quantum locked, sorry.'  
'Hey, yer that guy dumbledore always talks about' said Hagrid. 'Dumbledore? You mean Albus?' tHe Doctor said 'Yes I helped him get a lemon drop out of his nose once.' 'I do not understand how citrus confectionary helps our situation' Cas stated. 'It was wedged up there quite tightly' the Doctor continued, ignoring Cas. 'Needed to get Jack to help me get it out. Ah, speaking of which!' Jack appeared, flicking his suspenders suggestively. 'Hey' he said, winking at Hagrid. 'Hi' he said to Dean. Cas gave Jack a withering stare. Jack smiled at Cas too 'Nice coat. Look better on a floor, y'know what I mean?' Cas gasped, and said 'NEVER. I ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND.' Dean gasped, and his features rearranged themselves into a shocked position. 'IT'S...SAM!' Cas declares. Sam looks hurt 'YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GIVE IT AWAY! I wasn't going to!'

Remus Lupin stepped out from behind the TARDIS, looking thoroughly confused. 'If you talk it out, you'll save everybody a lot of angst.' After giving this invaluable advice, he disappeared in a poof of pink glitter. 'What the hell is going on Sherlock?' asked John, emerging from the pink cloud of glittery gayness. 'It's...it's..' Equations and possible answers were running through Sherlock's brain ten thousand miles an hour. 'It's...wibbly wobbly.' The Doctor gasped 'Oh no! You're shifting into me, adopting my thoughts and memories! It's a side effect of being in contact with soulless mooses!' Sam suddenly piped up 'Guys, I'm _actually _in the room-' when he was cut off by a familiar British accent.

'Hello boys.'


	2. The plot thickens

'Yo Brah what be happenin' said Dean, bewildered by Crowley's sudden appearance. Captain Jack raised an eyebrow, and was cut off by the loud sound of a moose braying. 'Ofaooogh' came the sound again. It seemed to be coming from... Sam!  
Hagrid gasped sassily 'O-m-z Sam, did you know meese aren't in fashion anymore? Pigs are all the rage. You should've seen what I did to-' 'That's QUITE enough' said the Doctor, interrupting Hagrid. Secretly, the doctor had used his sonic screwdriver to modify Hagrid's pink umbrella, and was quite touchy about it malfunctioning to give Dudley a pig's tail. 'Can we actually get back to the plot of getting Sam's soul out of the cage?' Cas asked, breaking the fourth wall. The TARDIS began to shake violently. 'NO! CAS YOU HAVE CREATED A PARADOX BY BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! I NEED TO TAKE THE TARDIS AWAY!' The Doctor screamed. With these parting shouts the TARDIS disappeared with another whooshing noise. 'No! Come back! You were our only ride!' John shouted. Meanwhile, Sherlock had been whisked away by his big brother. 'Why don't you ever pick me up in a plane?' Sam attempted to whine to Dean, but it came out as 'yxhdooooooooooghfddg'. Dean was really pissed with his brother. 'God sammit, dam!'

'Did someone say 'Dam'?' Percy Jackson apparated into the room. 'Percy, where have you taken us?' Annabeth and Grover stared at their friend suspiciously. One second ago they had been aboard the Argo II, and now they were in a strange...house? Percy's voice came as static 'We're in...I...dunno...GODS OF OLYMPUS!' Percy had just figured out why his voice was staticky 'anti...apparition...wards.' 'How do you know about apparition?' Asked Harry, who had just floo powdered in. Hagrid shouted, and ran over, nearly barrelling Harry over. 'JESUS CHRIST CAS CAN YOU GET US OUT OF HERE? THESE TEENS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING!' Dean yelled at Cas. 'You sassing me, punk?' asked Harry threateningly. 'I'm Harry Freaking Potter!' 'I cannot, Dean' Said Cas gravely. 'The forces of Lucifer are holding us here.' Cas slowly turned his head towards the ceiling. 'Why, brother?' Everyone was somewhat confused, as Lucifer was supposed to be in hell, below ground, but they rolled with it anyway. 'Why not?' A voice said, and Gabriel appeared next to Harry, creeping him out. 'WRONG GOD!' Shouted Percy, and he and his friends left abruptly. In which way, I do not know. Crowley huffed in indignation. 'I was called here, and all that's happening is nonsense. I need to find a new tailor, I don't have time for this. If you hadn't let leviathans EAT my tailor, we wouldn't have this problem!' 'Wait, what?' Asked Dean 'What do you mean you were called here?' 'Why else do you think I'd be here, idiot? I'm standing around here with a bunch of clueless morons, a huge oaf, a runt with glasses, and now both of you and the angel!' He shouted, bursting the lights. 'HEY! Woah! Crowley, stop!' Shouted Dean. 'We need to get Sam's soul back!'

Everybody looked around, but Sam was nowhere to be seen.


	3. But what does the reader have to say?

'Where the hell is Sammy?' Asked Dean, beginning to panic at the loss of his brother.  
'Where did you leave him?' Asked Hermione, ever the logical one.  
'How the ruddy hell did you get here?!' Asked Hagrid  
'I... woke up here.'

'What.' Said a loud voice, echoing above them all. 'This fic is bad. This fic is awful.' This time they all heard the loud voice boom. Crowley froze. 'Guys... It's the reader.'

Lungi looked up from the fic she was reading, her lip curled in disgust. This was the worst fic she had ever read, even worse than the shrek one or that particularly disturbing one with Jesus in it.  
It was hilarious, though, how the authors had managed to create a fic so bad it was actually enjoyable. For a moment Lungi wondered if the authors were being ironic, but then decided that they were just really, really dumb. She squinted and continued with the fic.  
_

'It's the reader!' Crowley said, fear creeping in. 'Oh lord almighty' moaned Gabriel softly. 'Shit's goin' down' said Dean softly. 'This is it.' Said Sam, who had reappeared, wearing a tutu. A resounding chorus of 'Sammy what the hell' occurred at this, with Dean wondering how to erase 'Winchester' from his birth certificate, so nobody would know he was related to the overgrown man in the pink sparkly tutu. He even had pink ballet shoes. 'I'm from the future... Dean, you gotta never touch the first blade okay? You're a ... A... DEMON.' At this, Sam collapsed and lay on the floor dramatically. 'Well now that he's shut up.' Said Cain, who had just flown in on a giant bumblebee.  
_

GREETINGS. I'VE COME TO TRANSFER THE MARK OF CAIN.' Cain said.  
'Yeah ok.' Said Dean.  
He got the mark of Cain and guess what? He turned into a demon.  
'DEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!' Cas shrieked, and Dean stared at him. 'Wow dude did you ever realise that you're kinda pudgy for a multi wave length of celestial intent?'  
'You can see me?' Cas asked, tears pooling in his eyes, and with a loud, annoying sob, he collapsed onto the ground, shrieking profanities and having a small seizure.  
'DEEAANN!' He wailed into the floorboards. 'DEEEAAN, I STILL LOVE YOU. CAN YOU LOVE ME?'  
'Yo man look at this!' Said Dean, rapidly flicking his eyes from green to back to green to black again. 'Dean that is creepy.' Stated John, who was comforting a crying Sherlock in the corner. 'Could you whisk us away with your demon power? Sherlock... really wants to go home.'  
'Sure' said Dean, and touched them. They promptly fell to the ground, dead as doornails.  
'Oops I sent their souls to hell!' said Dean.  
'Only a knight of hell can do that' said Crowley, bewildered. 'Crap.' Cas said, getting over his tantrum. 'What can cure a demon?' Crowley shrugged, and said 'Refer to season 8. I'm pretty sure it was mentioned there somewhere.'  
Meanwhile, Dean was experimenting with a mixture of one eye green and one black, so it looked like a really tacky halloween trick.  
'Can you stop it, you're giving demons a bad reputation dammit.' Crowley said, obviously really frustrated. From the ground, Sherlock moaned and said 'I hate that guy.' The group had long since realised that Moffat's writing meant one of them would come back for some terrible plot twist - John was probably Sherlock's long lost son by Mycroft.  
'Probably?' Said Mycroft, hopping out of the lightbulb. 'Sherly and I are soul mates.'  
'Incest? Mpreg? Don't encourage the Winchesters.' Crowley said, rolling his eyes.  
Suddenly a red, white and blue shield was flung across the room, catching Sam as he tried to get up.

'Who owns tutu man?' Said Tony Stark, as he removed his visor.


	4. Nothing really happens in this chapter

'I do.' Dean owned up, pretty ashamed, Man, he needed to change his birth certificate, and fast. Tony rolled his eyes 'Jesus Christ you guys. At least Steve will be friends with tutu man.'  
'Hey' Steve said, walking in and grabbing Sam from the floor. Cas let out a really annoyed sigh, and hid in the corner, moping over the whole deanmon thing.  
'Uh, hey guys?' Crowley said 'You've forgotten about me?'  
'No we didn't' Said none other than Nick Fury, waltzing in wearing a ball gown. 'You're under house arrest...da...da...damn.' He continued dancing. 'But I don't even have a house.' muttered Crowley. He shot a glare at the other side of the room. 'Not after...Leviathans.' His glare went unnoticed by Dean, who had shoved Steve out of the way and was helping Sam up and trying to persuade him to wear pants, or a shirt at least.


	5. A Guacamole Grande

A tired, rumpled but very fashionable redhead apparated into the room, followed by her sidekick, Clint Barton. She seemed undated by the scene before her, even the sight of Steve comforting the big man with no clothes on.  
She sighed. 'Americans.'  
Barton rolled his eyes slightly, but didn't say anything. Steve looked up defensively, and Sam grumbled what sounded sort of like 'Dean', but could also have been 'mean' or 'lean' or possibly even 'feet'.  
Cas was still moping. Between the last paragraph and this one he'd somehow changed into full black mourner's gear, including a black veil. Crowley found this somewhat amusing, and the Doctor (who we are pretty sure is still present in the story) raised his huge, enviable caterpillar eyebrows and sighed scottishly.  
Cas wailed until Tony blasted him with the suit. He fell with a bump and stayed on the floor, rolling around and muttering to himself 'oh wandjina, nan a nan a na.' Maybe it was 'Janear, jafar, wherever you are.' You can decide. Indeed, the reader has a lot of input into this story, was the last conscious thought Cas had.  
'Well, what will we do now?' Crowley asked, drawling out every syllable in his enviable accent. The infamous Black Widow looked him up and down. He had a nice tie, she decided. Unfortunate hairline, though. Meanwhile, the Doctor was tapping away at the walls with his sonic screwdriver. 'Weren't you English at the start of this?' Dean demanded, having given up on his endeavour of clothing his baby brother. 'Keep up with the times, Dean. Season 8 aired weeks ago. Don't you watch BBC?' The Doctor said, frustrated. 'Speaking of that, haven't I seen you somewhere before?' he asked, looking pointedly at Crowley. Crowley's face grew pink, but he didn't say anything. Natasha's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. She knew him now. Canton Everett Delaware the third. He was on all of SHIELD's watchlists.  
'BBC?' Said Dean. 'Isn't that where that enlightenment guy, John Locke is from?'  
A tiny giggle escaped Donna, who was on top of the TARDIS. 'No, that was tall dark and cheekbones and the short one with a crush on him.' The Doctor turned to face Donna, and her face grew pale. 'I…I swear I know you from somewhere..' she stammered.  
'I have no idea who you are.' The Doctor said bluntly. Donna blushed, but looked uneasily away.  
Natasha was getting fed up with the story, especially since it didn't have a main plot of quest or whatever. 'It's Johnlock, Dean, on BBC. Not the enlightenment guy.'  
'Isn't that their names smashed together?' Steve asked. He had been waiting politely for the authors to remember his presence. 'Weeeeeell, sorrta.' Drawled Jim Moriarty lazily. Gabriel jumped 'woah, where did you come from?' Dean stared back and forth between the two men, who had appeared seemingly out of the wallpaper. Wait, since when did the room have wallpaper? Dean shook his head and dismissed the thought, his mind more occupied by Gabriel's golden toga thing.  
Suddenly he remembered his naked brother lying next to him. Oh god, he hoped the reader wasn't a Sabriel shipper.  
Thankfully, the reader was more preoccupied with Destiel, and all was good.  
At least Gabriel was probably there to further the plot, and unlike Moffat, would not erase it at the end of the season. Gabriel threw his hands dramatically in the air. No, not his literal hands, in case you were wondering. 'Guys, guys, I have news for you! It's from someone called …. Lungi?'  
Jim sarcastically pulled up a chair and sarcastically sat down. 'Oh, this'll be good.' He said sarcastically. Everything he did was sarcastic.  
Gabriel glared at him, and Tony decided they probably had something going on. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. He wondered where they had been, and decided he should make a witty comment on it later. He was due for some dialogue any second now, he was sure.  
'The reader has mixed emotions about this….creation.' Gabriel read. 'It is good, lungi has decided, due to it's …creative… interpretation of the characters. However the plot, while…creative….is not really a plot at all. In fact, nothing has happened, except for that the grammar has improved mildly since chapter two, and some people showed up for no apparent reason.' Gabriel finished, and tucked the scroll back up into his robe, god knows where.  
'I think that sums this up well.' Barton said, after a long silence. There were about 12 (we've lost count) characters in the room at this point, possibly more. There was a middle aged woman sitting on a blue box, an old grumpy Scottish man, a tall naked man on the floor, an angel wearing mourning robes, a deanmon, the king of hell, Natasha, Clint, Steve, Tony and Gabriel. Don't forget Jim.  
There was the unspoken tension, the shared knowledge that there were too many people in the room and someone had to be killed to further the plot. They all looked at each other. Then at the tall, naked, crying man. They decided.

_  
Dean unconsciously moved to cover his brother. 'Family don't end with blood.' Bobby told him once. Bobby was also incidentally in the room.  
Gabriel looked worried. He and Sam had been having an affair, unbeknownst to Lungi, lest a bad review be written and the authors be forced to kill one or both of them. Now that it had been written, everyone knew, and Tony swore internally, and went back to musing on the relationship between the toga clad angel and Moriarty.  
'I nominate Clint.' A deep, drawling voice with a thick accent came from the back of the room, accompanied by loud western music and clicking boots, like the ones Tybalt wears in that Romeo and Juliet adaption with Leonardo DiCaprio in it. Actually, this was Tybalt.  
Gabriel smacked his hand to his head. 'Someone has to DIE. NO MORE CHARACTERS!'  
The fair Tybalt was at once shot by Natasha, and he fell. His tight orange/blue Jesus shirt fell with him, now stained in blood. A Guacamole Grande appeared. Clint hurled it at Bobby, screaming 'FOOD FIGHT!'  
The room is turned into a mess as an assortment of tacos, green beans and frozen yoghurt were flung through the air. Cas' mourning outfit got stained by a beef lasagne.

War ensues.


End file.
